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Walking Tall

Well, I just saw the sneak preview for Walking Tall (what a week for movies!). First thing’s first. I have to say that this is the most clothing and least amount of body oil I’ve see Dwayne Johnson in professionally… ever… If you don’t know who Mr. Johnson is, he plays a character called the Co- I mean, the Rock, every week on the WWF, or WWE, or whatever the fuck it’s called now.

Now, I understand the Rock’s need to be referred to as such. “Do you smell what Dwayne Johnson’s cooking?” doesn’t have much punch to it. It actually sounds rather gay. Good call on the name change, man. That wasn’t the only name changed the name of the character the Rock played. In the movie his name was Chris Vaughn. In reality (this movie is roughly inspired by reality, and was stolen— I mean, based on the screenplay of the other movie inspired by this reality), the main character’s name was Buford Pusser… Buford Pusser?!? That’s worse than Dwayne Johnson! I thought my name sounded bad... Now I’m not gonna make fun of Buford Pusser; I don’t need a 2x4 shoved up my ass from beyond the grave (those splinters take forever to come out). Plus, Pusser was really a good man. And they changed his story. A lot. Click his name for his official website for the real stories.

Now back to the film. It was mediocre. The only real acting in this movie came from Johnny “Jackass” Knoxville (who’s real name is Phillip John Clapp... the Clapp was really popular in the ‘80s, ya know… I’m gonna get my ass kicked by a guy named Clapp, now, aren’t I?…). The most wooden acting, outside from the 2x4, was the Rock. It was good, but it was also flat. The only time he expressed emotion was when he was totaling the casino. Then again, he is a mediocre wrestler… Now don’t send me the angry letters; I’m not calling him medicre… Mick Foley called him mediocre. He mentions this numerous times in his book, “Have a Nice Day.” I know this is a shock to most people out there, but yes, I can actually read.
I think the Rock’s acting gets better the shorter his hair gets… Quick! Someone cut his head off!…

This movie proves me right on one thing: Kitchen utensils are dangerous weapons. Power to the Potato Peeler! The Butter Knife Army will rise again!

I will say there is one thing great about this film: No fucking catch-phrases. I was half expecting the Rock to say “I have a woody,” as he swung that 2x4.

This movie was very unrealistic, even though it was inspired by reality. For example: I don’t care how much money you have, how do a coulple of “good ol’ boys” get a couple of anti-tank machine guns??? And if they did, how do you not kill the guy??? Shot gun! Anti-tank machine gun! It doesn’t take a rocket scientist! Then again, most people in this movie failed their SATs. Yes, I know this isn’t possible, but where there’s a will, there’s a way.
Whoever lit this movie should be dragged out by the testicles and shot. You could barely see anything that was happening on screen! Blair Witch Project was better lit than this movie!

I think, all in all, what I’m trying to say is: Go see HellBoy. And if you don’t like it, go see Dawn of the Dead. And if you don’t like that, then go shoot yourself in the head until you stop moving… Oh, and save your money: Rent this movie… Enjoy the shows…

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